I'D LOSE THE DRESS. The results of the New Yorker Caption Contest are in. As you may recall (but probably won't), the uncaptioned cartoon depicts a prison cell. Inside, a hardened convict stands, speaking to an angel (complete with halo, wings, and smock) sitting on the lower half of a bunk bed. On the top bunk are some books; a pin-up hangs on the wall. In the foreground, there's a desk topped by a mug and some blank sheets of paper.

I had a great time concocting captions. A great time...except for the long stretches when I lost myself in a fog of creative obsession. During those spells as a captive of the caption I became the convict. I emerged with dozens of captions, including the following:


Maybe you weren't meant to be a caption writer.

Don't feel bad. Johnnie Cochran doesn't write back to me, either.

And I thought Lizzie Grubman had suffered a fall from grace.

Of course it's not your fault. It's the system.

I don't care if you have friends in high places. The top bunk is mine.

Maybe you'd feel better if you used the weight room.

Frankly, I would have preferred one of Charlie's Angels.

Frankly, I would have preferred one of Charlie's Angels. But you'll do.



I also came up with a couple of captions that would have special appeal for movie fans:


Let me get this straight. After saving George, you also took the fall for Uncle Billy?


If you can't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee or the bunk. It's your wings and it's your halo, too.



The "George" caption alludes, of course, to a neglected plot point in the beloved Frank Capra film It's a Wonderful Life. The "coffee/bunk" caption refers to the lesser-known Preston Sturges movie Christmas in July, which revolves around a dreamer who enters the slogan "If you can't sleep at night, it's not the coffee--it's the bunk!" in a slogan-writing contest sponsored by a coffee company. That's the caption I entered in the contest--not because I thought it would win, but because there was an irresistible appeal in making such a tribute to Sturges. Not every cartoon contest will feature a coffee mug and a bunk and an angel who looks extraordinarily fatigued.

Anyway, the winner of the contest was "I'd lose the dress." So it goes.