THE BUSH MAGIC EIGHT-BALL. A friend drew my attention to an Editor & Publisher page of "13 Questions We Wish They'd Asked (At President Bush's Press Conference Thursday Night)."

I asked my Bush Magic Eight-Ball what the President's answers would have been. Here's what I discovered.

1. You say Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction and is evil enough to use them. If not during an American invasion of his country, then when? Have you calculated how many U.S. troops might die in such an attack?

I would pray for their safety.

2. Why, if North Korea has the capability to produce six nuclear warheads by mid-summer, are you letting their very reluctant neighbors take the lead in deterring them (as you announced tonight) while demanding that the U.S. take charge in confronting Saddam?

This is a regional issue.

3. You praise the Iraqi people, say we have no quarrel with them, pledge to save them from the dictator and give them democracy. Would you tell us how many of them are likely to die in even the best invasion scenario? And how many civilians might die if Saddam, indeed, uses chemical weapons to defend himself?

I would pray for the safety of innocent Iraqi lives as well.

4. Why do you think Turkey's parliament voted against hosting U.S. troops after being offered such a large aid package, especially since they are on Iraq's border?

Turkey's a friend.

5. With the economy shaken and deficits climbing, how do you respond to critics who say you're ignoring domestic issues and the long-term economic security of this country by focusing so much of your time and resources on Iraq?

You're either with us or against us.

6. You say one major reason for taking this action is to protect Americans from terrorism. How do you respond to the warnings of CIA Director George Tenet and others that invading Iraq would in fact likely increase terrorism?

I pray for peace, April. I pray for peace.

7. Why have you threatened "retribution" against Mexico if it votes against our U.N. resolution? And do you think it is wise to warn that Mexicans could face the same reaction as the "backlash against the French" from our public (as you recently said) when this might be directed at some of the tens of millions of Hispanics living in the U.S.?

You're either with us or against us.

8. Rather than make us wait for a supplemental budget request -- after the war has been launched -- to tell us what it, and its aftermath, will cost, don't you think the American people (who will pay the bill) deserve to know the latest long-term estimates before the fact?

In terms of the dollar amount, we'll let you know here pretty soon.

9. Why did the U.S. edit the 12,000 page Iraqi weapons report (as recently revealed) to the U.N. Security Council, removing all names of U.S. companies that sold weapons materials to the Iraqis in the past?

My job is to protect the American people.

10. Would you confirm or deny the reports this week, based on a leaked memo, that the U.S. bugged and otherwise spied on representatives of countries that are swing votes on the U.N. Security Council? Do you approve of such actions?

This is the last phase of diplomacy.

11. You claimed tonight that Iraq has started producing new missiles -- but are these nothing more than less capable versions (fully permitted by the U.N.) of the missiles being destroyed now?

These are the actions of a regime engaged in a willful charade.

12. How do you respond to reporter Daniel Schorr's statement that the "coalition of the willing" is actually a "coalition of the billing?"

This is the last phase of diplomacy.

13. Why is the U.S. threatening a non-U.N.-backed war if 59% of Americans do not support a U.S. invasion without the approval of the U.N. Security Council, according to a Feb. 24-26 USA Today/CNN/Gallup Poll?

You're either with us or against us.