IDIOTIC DESIGN. I'm an open-minded person, so of course I heartily agree with President George Bush when it comes to education. "People ought to be exposed to different ideas," he recently proclaimed.

With a universe of different ideas to champion, President Bush has shown a special fondness for an alternative to evolutionary theory. Sure, evolutionary theory has been accepted and explored for decades by an overwhelming majority of scientists worldwide. But President Bush, like Tom Cruise, isn't afraid to stand up to scientists and their "method." President Bush doesn't see any harm in mixing things up by teaching something different, such as "intelligent design."

Despite what you might have heard from President Bush's opponents, intelligent design is nothing to get all fired up about. It's merely an untested concept embraced by a relative handful of people who extrapolate that the universe might have been created by some kind of intelligent designer (or intelligent design firm). That's not so bad, is it?

I'm not sure why the President is so gung-ho about intelligent design, but what appeals to me about introducing it into schools is that it should also open the doors to another idea, which I thought up the other day. This concept, "idiotic design," is a counterpart to intelligent design. It extrapolates that the universe might well have been created by some kind of idiot (or idiotic design firm).

We don't have to bore ourselves with "research" to find ample evidence of idiotic design. It abounds in today's world. For instance, take the human mouth. As you have surely noticed, we are able to bite our own mouths--our tongues, lips, and inner cheeks. And that can hurt a lot! So you see? Only an idiot would have enabled us to ruin a perfectly good meal or snack by accidentally eating parts of our own mouths.

Moving from mouth to foot, we find many more examples. Let's descend past the funny bone and appendix to contemplate the pinkie toe. This little piggie is nearly useless, which is precisely why the pain we suffer after banging it against furniture is exceedingly idiotic. An intelligent designer would have found a way to make the toe feel little or no pain, or imbued us with some sort of foot antennae that would warn us when our toesies are too close to table legs and similar perils. Instead, our idiot designer has us bashing our tiny toes, crying out in agony, bloodying our socks, waking the children, and perhaps even getting a fracture, in which case we would then have to find a podiatrist because our idiot designer didn't imbue us with adequate healing ability.

Of course, idiotic design applies to more than human physiology. It can be found in everything, everywhere. For example, did you see that recent documentary about penguins? Sure, the birds look cute--but it takes an idiotic designer to situate them in one of the coldest spots on the planet and make the poor waddlers go to such extreme lengths to eat and fornicate. An intelligent designer would have found a better place for them to do those things. Like Aspen.

Want more evidence of idiotic design? Look at Planet Hollywood...or better yet, Planet Earth. An intelligent designer would have made it an extremely stable, comfortable place for all of its creatures (not just the penguins). Instead, the planet shakes, rattles, and rolls like a broken-down jalopy. Lately it's been very hot in New York--and the humidity just makes it worse. Considering all the earthquakes, windstorms, tidal waves, and other annoying plantary conditions that humanity endures, perhaps we should try to contact our idiotic designer to see if Earth is still eligible for a tune-up.

Now, I readily concede that the identity of our idiotic designer remains a mystery. (Perhaps sheer embarrassment or fear of lawsuits is keeping this entity "under wraps.") But otherwise the concept of idiotic design is so sensible that I'm astounded that it hasn't already taken hold. Indeed, I have enough faith in humanity to believe that the idiotic design will quickly catch on, displacing both evolutionary theory and intelligent design in high school classrooms and other places, including Stockholm, where different ideas are valued.

So as I await my call from the Nobel Prize committee, I want to thank President Bush for indirectly opening minds to the idea of idiotic design, which has so influenced our universe, our world, and ourselves. Keep up the good work!

Editor's Note: Since writing this, I've discovered that I might not have been the first to come up with the concept of idiotic design! Jim Holt wrote about it in The New York Times earlier this year. But that's okay--like Watson and Crick, I'm willing to share the honors.