HOG ABOUT TOWN. Alert! Alert! The Apiary warns that a fake David Cross has been capitalizing upon his verisimilitude in order to score with the ladies. What to do? At Gawker, Cross thoughtfully advises that you confirm that you're in His Actual Presence by asking to see his tattoo: a self-serving Kosher pig emblazoned on his right arm/shoulder. Only after verifying the presence of said porker should you then act on your comedian fetish and fuck each other Cross-eyed. Or treat him to booze.

Got that? Now, if you happen upon a guy who you think might be me but you're not sure, here's how to proceed: Ask the gentleman if you can have a look at his penis. If he responds by saying "Sure...if you've got a microscope!" it's quite possibly me. If not, you might have an interesting conversation anyway.

All you other celebs out there — how can your potential pickups tell you're really you?

Photo of The Big Pig at Rudy's: David Marc Fischer